Archives for the month of: October, 2014
picking angel cards and then reading a book from J. Ruiz, very positive afternoon

picking angel cards and then reading a book from J. Ruiz, very positive afternoon

This will be just a short blog post. I was writing into my “real” diary for about an hour now so I kinda don’t have much to say anymore, lol.

I love days like this. Autumn countryside, mist and fog, sunshine and freezing weather. Me being inside in my warm room, smelling essential oils and incense stick, reading books and listening to music (Red hot Chilli peppers and some reggae is on the playlist today). I did 66 minutes of vinyasa yoga this morning, then had a deliciooous breakfast – I will do a recipe post and video soon on my oatmeal, I just can’t get enough of it when it is prepared that way.

organic apples ready to be peeled and grated for our vegan apple pie

organic apples ready to be peeled and grated for our vegan apple pie

Then I visited my friend, we made lunch together (despite some small fights about using fats and eggs in the recipe 😥 ) but it still remained healthy and mostly lower in fat. We were listening to Celtic music, chopping veggies and baked some kind of buckwheat mixture with pumpkin, tofu and lots of spices and nutritional yeast. Then we made delicious apple pie, recipe will be posted soon. Anyways we missed most of the sunshine because of our cooking-baking and went for a walk at around 5 pm and it was already very cold and foggy outside. With bellies full of yummy foods (maybe too much actually…) we walked through the park, went to buy some healthy stuff and said goodbye.

actually it's more like a apple bread...and it contains lots of cacao!

actually it’s more like a apple bread…and it contains lots of cacao!

Now I feel good. It was an productive evening. I ate just 2 rice cakes covered with dark chocolate for dinner because I was still so full of that lunch, went out with my dog, cleaned kitchen, my room, organised my studying materials, wrote my diary, had tea with oatmilk, booked tearoom place for tomorrow’s meeting with friends, made a video of me playing piano (finally) and wrote a list of things I need and want to do, which includes looking ACTIVELY for a job, practising headstand and splits daily and meeting some vegans (it’s a shame but I don’t know any of them personally and sometimes I feel kinda lonely practising this diet).

yum yum yum, I had just one piece actually :) my angelic card for today in the background

yum yum yum, I had just one piece actually 🙂
my angelic card for today in the background

Now going to study for a while and read a book about women’s sexuality (interesting reading!). Have a good night/day/afternoon/whatever 🙂

Namaste ❤

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honey

I have been using this easy home-made mask for about a year (not daily of course :)) and I have amazing experience with that. You need just 2 ingredients and it smells and tastes (oops) great.

Cinnamon is sweet aromatic spice, one of the oldest spices known to man. It offers anti-clotting and anti-microbial effects. It is beneficial to skin in ground or essential oil form. It brings blood and nutrients to the skin surface, helps to dry skin (thus it’s best suitable for greasy skin). Cinnamon causes minor plumping and swelling, you should avoid eye area (could cause burning).

Honey is naturally antibacterial so it works well for acne. Full of antioxidants (slows down aging), extremely moisturizing and soothing and claryfies the pores – opens them up and unclog them. Isn’t it amazing?

You just combine these two ingredients – honey and cinnamon. About 1 big Tbsp of honey and about 1/2 to 1 flat tsp of cinnamon in a small mug, put the mug into warm water so it melts better and then you can start applying. Your skin should be clean (no makeup on!) and slightly wet. Massage honey mask into your skin, avoid eye and mouth area, exfoliate and leave it on your face for 5-8 minutes. Then rinse with warm water and use oil or essential oil, such as lavender. Use it once or twice a week, you can add 1-2 drops of tea-tree essential oil into the mask.

~My Fruity Essence~

Yes!

I did it just few minutes ago… I just have an addiction for local honey which starts to get sugary content. Woooh. I needed to fill myself up with some love today…so I ate honey,lol.

The day started very nicely. Woke up full of energy, went for a run in sunny park, had a cold shower, drank my water and clay…prepared food and things for the whole day and went to the city to the farmer’s market with my best friend. It was sunny and warm, I bought raw goat’s milk and got some carrots for free,haha. I ate watermelon for my breakfast sitting by the fountain.

Since 10 o’clock I had an angel seminar with a woman, who attended seminars with Doreen and Charles Virtue so I thought it will be very interesting and strong experience. I had some small cravings since morning but I got rid of…

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I come from the past of a very sad and problematic teenage/childhood. It started at my high school (actually grammar school, from the age of 11/12 I think). I was bullied, lost my only friend in the class and was left alone with my problems without anyone to support me (I didn’t have a good relationship with my family at that time). I didn’t speak with my parents or sister a lot and was going out with a group of “friends”, we were smoking, drinking and hanging around the whole days. I stopped going there as well after some time (I had problems with my own person and couldn’t hold any friendships -even false ones- for a long time). I had only one friend (very unhealthy friendship for both of us, I was addicted to her presence and drowing energy from her and she was extremely submissive ) and no one else and situation in my class was getting worse and worse. I always had good marks because I am naturally clever (:D or at least they say it!) so that was not a problem. The problem was my relationship with classmates, they hated me, ignored me, didn’t want to cooperate with me and were telling mean and vulgar things to me. That’s how my eating disorder started.

Before that I always had a very good relationship with food. I was thin and healthy. I ate everything (but always very little meat because I didn’t like the taste, preparation and was sorry for animals), wasn’t bloated, ate just when I was hungry, never felt guilty and I didn’t think about food or loosing weight at all, I ate chocolate, cheese, doughnuts, fruit, whatever I wanted but I could control the food, it was not controling me at all. Food was just something you needed to survive, it tasted good but it wasn‘t  a solution of your problems. That mindset has changed. Someone at school told me that I was fat.

I started thinking about that, worrying. I was googling on the Internet for weight loss blogs and healthy diet articles, which were all connected with making your portions smaller, restricting, counting calories, fasting or exercising heavily. I started doing some weight loss program (just mentioning again, I was slim, had healthy weight, healthy period and beautiful strong hair), exercising in the evening, weighting my food and myself, drinking cleansing teas and writing food diary.I did about 2 or 3 one-day waterfasts. I became vegan because of weight loss, but also watched lots of documentaries with animals being killed which made me even sadder and more depressed. Sometimes I couldn’t control myself and overate after days of starving on rice cakes with carrots. I never made myself vomit but thought about that a lot.

I lost more than 13kgs in few months and weighted 59kg, I am about 182 cm and my BMI was below 18.4 which made me very happy at that time. I was extremely skinny, this BMI maybe doesn’t sound that bad, but I looked terrible. I lost my period, my hair was falling like crazy, my nails got thin and were breaking and I had no energy. People were noticing my weightloss and from the beginning some of them said I look good, but later on they were worried. Even some classmates (who werent bullying) were worried. I thought that skinny body would bring me love and popularity. It didn’t, most of the classmates didn’t notice or they were laughing and bullying even harder because I was so weak and hysterical with my vegan diet consisting of rice cakes, salads and some fruit.

The breakthrough started when my parents took me to the nutrition adviser (big jerk who should be kicked out of his job, but somehow it made me start fighting with my illness!). He told me that my vegan diet was very unhealthy, I was underweight and I had a mental anorexia. He told it in a very aggressive and mean way, but it was the only type of people I was attracting at that time when I think about it. I got home, in tears and didn’t want to speak with my parents anymore. I started googling about mental anorexia when I stopped crying.

Before that I didn’t even think about having some eating disorder. I was so disconnected with myself. I found out that I probably have a problem with my eating but it is not THAT bad. Luckily I wasn’t dying from starvation, I could function quite normally and I was eating 3 times a day, at least  small portions.  I decided that I don’t wanna suffer from an eating disorder, I decided that I am not going to have mental anorexia and I didn’t want to look like that skeletal girls on the Internet. I just decided and that was it.

From then I changed somehow. It was a very slow process but I finally started fighting. I stayed vegan but I was looking for some type of sustainable and healthy veganism. I started looking for spiritual books and ways to improve my personal life. I read books from Louis Hay, Doreen Virtue, Eckhart Tolle, watched Owen Fox on youtube. I found out about Freelee and started 80/10/10 diet.  I increased amounts of foods I consumed, was affirming and praying every day, stopped using make up and cosmetics, started doing yoga. I was still dogmatic about food, ate just fruit, vegetables and gluten free grains but at least I was eating a lot, I was gaining weight and my cells were renewing.

My life started to change, I lost that friend whose friendship was actually drawning my energy as well and started building new friendships. I gained lots of weight but remained very dogmatic about food as most of the 80/10/10 and raw vegan people are 😉 My situation at school was getting better because my self love was starting to exist. Parents were happy that I was eating enough so they werent saying nothing about that crazy banana diet. I found new friends and after some time I stopped with 80/10/10, travelled a little and later on I became just vegetarian. I ate high fat diet, lots of butter, cheese, dairy and I got my first normal healthy period after about 3-4 years of chronical amenorrhea.

And now I am here, vegan again, but because I want and my body wants as well. I crave vegan foods, grains, starches, fruit, vegetables, oatmeal, rice milk, pancakes with maple syrup. If I felt like having some goat milk or eggs or chocolate or even meat, I would eat it. I am not gonna lie, my eating is still not perfect. I am still healing.

But – I am not afraid of food anymore and I wanna live. After almost 5 years of ED I feel healthy. Sometimes I tend to overeat and try to solve my problems with filling my belly instead of solving them. Sometimes I get very bloated, uncomfortable and have digestion problems, sometimes when I am sad I eat chocolate or cookies. But this happens and it is just a process.

I have a little weight to loose now but it is not the most important thing in my life. I am focusing on building self love and self confidence, high quality friendships and relationships, travelling, experiencing and discovering. I am normal 19 year old girl living her life with smile on her face.

 

*sadly I don’t have any photos to show you how I looked during my ana, because I deleted all of them or they were lost when my old notebook got flooded during the storm (oops) and when I broke my old phone!

dumplings covered with tomato-bean sauce

dumplings covered with tomato-bean sauce

During the weekend I experimented with some easy cooking and created this recipe for delicious dumplings!

You’ll need just potatoes, whole grain flour /used barley one and water. And of course pots to cook it in.

Ingredients:

  • unpeeled potatoes, just cook them as they are
  • whole barley flour
  • water in room temperatureIMG_0054

How to:

Boil your potatoes for 15-20 minutes so they are soft. Let them cool down a little, then peel them and mash them in the bowl. Add about twice as much flour, some water and mix it. Then you will be adding flour, mixing it, adding more flour until it starts to look like a dough. Form it with your hands, add more flour and when it has the right consistency let it sit for few minutes.

Put water into a big pot and bring it to boil. Start to form small balls from your dough and cover them with more flour. Cook dumplings in boiling water, when they start to swim on the surface cook them for 3 more minutes and then strain. Voila!

IMG_9229

hot chocolate in Beograd

I completely forgot about this blog. I created a new one and it just isn’t what I truly want my blog to look like. And here I am, this blog is just perfect, it’s old but I still love it and resonate with its design and I think it would be useful to continue with it.

So here I am, dedicated to writing again and I will be posting diary and recipe posts regularly. Just to mention, I am vegan again after about a year period of being vegetarian and few meat eating times. I just needed it. My body needed. I was craving fats, meat and eggs. Before that I had lots of problems with my period and hormonal balance. And it seems that the high fat diet consisting of LOOTS of organic and sometimes raw full fat dairy, eggs, coconut oil, butter, fish, vegetables, oats, legumes and fruit made it. I ate chicken ones and tried pork. I wanted to and I’m not sorry about that.

my eating habits in Romania

Anyways I got my normal healthy period after about 3-4 years of struggling with amenorrhea after my week in Romania at the end of December, where I was eating extremely unhealthy, loots of chocolate and had meat stew, I let my mind loosen, forgot about nutritrion teachings and let myself eat whatever I wanted and how much I wanted. And I wanted lots of food, sweets, high fat foods, meaty soups and yoghurts and nuts… I got my period week after and since than I had regular menstrual flow every month without pain and my hair started growing and is much healthier now. That’s it (I was eating healthy again when I came home from Romania, but still lots of dairy, cheese, eggs). During May I started eating mostly vegan again, my body felt renewed and ready for a vegan diet. During my travels veganism wasn’t possible (hitch hiking with a little money around Europe), but I stayed healthy vegetarian.

Now when I have enough time for food preparing and it’s cold outside so I am indoors a lot I am finally eating how I feel the best. High carb vegan foods, which warm me up and my digestion is much better. I love starch solution and I feel better than on raw foods, 80/10/10 and raw till 4. These diets made me overeat, gain weight and I never felt satisfied or full. I was consuming huge amounts of fruit, sometimes even 5-6000 calories, spent lots of money, was bloated all the time, didn’t have period and was addicted and dogmatic. That’s why I became vegetarian and high fat in the first place. Now I now that there is a better solution which is Starch solution:) I love rice, pasta, bread, dumplings, beans and oatmeal. Especially during autumn/winter I need to warm myself up and not drink cold fruit smoothies with exotic bananas and added sugar because it’s not sweet enough.

Stop rambling about food.

being with myself

I am studying university now but I still feel like being at the high school?! I just had bigger expectations or something… Studying is good and interesting but the student life is missing. I live with my parents, don’t have a part-time job and boyfriend. But when I think about it, it’s okay. After my last break up I needed time to heal and living at home brings lots of advantages. Stillness, solitude, intimacy, enough room for daily exercise and yoga, big bathroom, parents pay for food and I have everything I need here. I can go to parties and out with friends more if I need to and lately I have been outside a lot, so I don’t know why am I complaining???

I will write a list of things I am truly grateful for.

And I will write my goals for the near future.

But not in this post, it would be too long 🙂

IMG_0064

autumn sunshine at the garden

I spent this weekend in the country, no Internet, using phone or watching television (I don’t do that anyway, but worths mentioning), cleared my mind, connected with nature, slept a lot, looked into the fire, cooked delicious dumplings on the stove, went for a walk with our dog and I was…happy. I was happy being just with myself. It was different than being at home, looking at Facebook and Youtube. I always feel anxious spending lots of time like that. But being in the country, going out to bring wood, put it into the fire, listen to music, drink litres of tea with honey…it was like pampering myself and I felt so much self-love surrounding me.

I just love it. I am gonna do this more often.