I come from the past of a very sad and problematic teenage/childhood. It started at my high school (actually grammar school, from the age of 11/12 I think). I was bullied, lost my only friend in the class and was left alone with my problems without anyone to support me (I didn’t have a good relationship with my family at that time). I didn’t speak with my parents or sister a lot and was going out with a group of “friends”, we were smoking, drinking and hanging around the whole days. I stopped going there as well after some time (I had problems with my own person and couldn’t hold any friendships -even false ones- for a long time). I had only one friend (very unhealthy friendship for both of us, I was addicted to her presence and drowing energy from her and she was extremely submissive ) and no one else and situation in my class was getting worse and worse. I always had good marks because I am naturally clever (:D or at least they say it!) so that was not a problem. The problem was my relationship with classmates, they hated me, ignored me, didn’t want to cooperate with me and were telling mean and vulgar things to me. That’s how my eating disorder started.

Before that I always had a very good relationship with food. I was thin and healthy. I ate everything (but always very little meat because I didn’t like the taste, preparation and was sorry for animals), wasn’t bloated, ate just when I was hungry, never felt guilty and I didn’t think about food or loosing weight at all, I ate chocolate, cheese, doughnuts, fruit, whatever I wanted but I could control the food, it was not controling me at all. Food was just something you needed to survive, it tasted good but it wasn‘t  a solution of your problems. That mindset has changed. Someone at school told me that I was fat.

I started thinking about that, worrying. I was googling on the Internet for weight loss blogs and healthy diet articles, which were all connected with making your portions smaller, restricting, counting calories, fasting or exercising heavily. I started doing some weight loss program (just mentioning again, I was slim, had healthy weight, healthy period and beautiful strong hair), exercising in the evening, weighting my food and myself, drinking cleansing teas and writing food diary.I did about 2 or 3 one-day waterfasts. I became vegan because of weight loss, but also watched lots of documentaries with animals being killed which made me even sadder and more depressed. Sometimes I couldn’t control myself and overate after days of starving on rice cakes with carrots. I never made myself vomit but thought about that a lot.

I lost more than 13kgs in few months and weighted 59kg, I am about 182 cm and my BMI was below 18.4 which made me very happy at that time. I was extremely skinny, this BMI maybe doesn’t sound that bad, but I looked terrible. I lost my period, my hair was falling like crazy, my nails got thin and were breaking and I had no energy. People were noticing my weightloss and from the beginning some of them said I look good, but later on they were worried. Even some classmates (who werent bullying) were worried. I thought that skinny body would bring me love and popularity. It didn’t, most of the classmates didn’t notice or they were laughing and bullying even harder because I was so weak and hysterical with my vegan diet consisting of rice cakes, salads and some fruit.

The breakthrough started when my parents took me to the nutrition adviser (big jerk who should be kicked out of his job, but somehow it made me start fighting with my illness!). He told me that my vegan diet was very unhealthy, I was underweight and I had a mental anorexia. He told it in a very aggressive and mean way, but it was the only type of people I was attracting at that time when I think about it. I got home, in tears and didn’t want to speak with my parents anymore. I started googling about mental anorexia when I stopped crying.

Before that I didn’t even think about having some eating disorder. I was so disconnected with myself. I found out that I probably have a problem with my eating but it is not THAT bad. Luckily I wasn’t dying from starvation, I could function quite normally and I was eating 3 times a day, at least  small portions.  I decided that I don’t wanna suffer from an eating disorder, I decided that I am not going to have mental anorexia and I didn’t want to look like that skeletal girls on the Internet. I just decided and that was it.

From then I changed somehow. It was a very slow process but I finally started fighting. I stayed vegan but I was looking for some type of sustainable and healthy veganism. I started looking for spiritual books and ways to improve my personal life. I read books from Louis Hay, Doreen Virtue, Eckhart Tolle, watched Owen Fox on youtube. I found out about Freelee and started 80/10/10 diet.  I increased amounts of foods I consumed, was affirming and praying every day, stopped using make up and cosmetics, started doing yoga. I was still dogmatic about food, ate just fruit, vegetables and gluten free grains but at least I was eating a lot, I was gaining weight and my cells were renewing.

My life started to change, I lost that friend whose friendship was actually drawning my energy as well and started building new friendships. I gained lots of weight but remained very dogmatic about food as most of the 80/10/10 and raw vegan people are 😉 My situation at school was getting better because my self love was starting to exist. Parents were happy that I was eating enough so they werent saying nothing about that crazy banana diet. I found new friends and after some time I stopped with 80/10/10, travelled a little and later on I became just vegetarian. I ate high fat diet, lots of butter, cheese, dairy and I got my first normal healthy period after about 3-4 years of chronical amenorrhea.

And now I am here, vegan again, but because I want and my body wants as well. I crave vegan foods, grains, starches, fruit, vegetables, oatmeal, rice milk, pancakes with maple syrup. If I felt like having some goat milk or eggs or chocolate or even meat, I would eat it. I am not gonna lie, my eating is still not perfect. I am still healing.

But – I am not afraid of food anymore and I wanna live. After almost 5 years of ED I feel healthy. Sometimes I tend to overeat and try to solve my problems with filling my belly instead of solving them. Sometimes I get very bloated, uncomfortable and have digestion problems, sometimes when I am sad I eat chocolate or cookies. But this happens and it is just a process.

I have a little weight to loose now but it is not the most important thing in my life. I am focusing on building self love and self confidence, high quality friendships and relationships, travelling, experiencing and discovering. I am normal 19 year old girl living her life with smile on her face.

 

*sadly I don’t have any photos to show you how I looked during my ana, because I deleted all of them or they were lost when my old notebook got flooded during the storm (oops) and when I broke my old phone!