Archives for posts with tag: healing

I will be writing a daily diet diary here during my times of healing my deep energetic body imbalance. Or basically my amenorrhea and extreme dryness in my body. I need to produce more heat in my body and get balanced. I am so tired and sleepy all the time. Starting to feel my throat sore and..I am not well. I need heat, humidity, fats and grounding.

There is a list of food I will be eating:

  • Well cooked grains
    • basmati rice
    • oats
    • couscous
    • spelt, wheat
  • Fruit
    • bananas
    • avocados
    • coconut
    • lemon
    • mango
    • oranges
    • persimmons
  • Vegetables – well cooked, with coconut oil
    • beets
    • carrots
    • potatoes
    • mushrooms
    • tubers and squashes
    • kale
  • Beans – not much and when it will be blended into a paste
    • green beans
    • tofu
    • chick peas
    • pink lentils
  • Oils – yes,yes, not low fat anymore, this doesn’t work well for fertility 😉
    • sesame oil
    • coconut oil
    • evening primrose oil – supplementing
  • Spices – avoid peppermint!
    • cinnamon
    • cardamom
    • clove
    • sage
    • fennel
    • ginger
    • garlic
    • turmeric
    • nutmeg
    • allspice
  • Sweeteners
    • rice syrup
    • molasses
    • sugar cane
    • honey
  • Liquids – no cold drinks, coffee, black tea, alcohol
    • warm water, LOTS of
    • hot herbal teas
    • warm rice milk

+ I will be doing yoga to produce heat in my body, take ayurvedic pills, rest a lot, not smoke!!!! and I have decided to become fully alcohol-free. It has never been a problem for me not to drink because I don’t like the taste of alcohol..but anyways during the Christmas period I often went out with my friends and had mulled wine or cider or something…It happened once in 1 or 2 weeks but still, I want to get fully rid of it. As well as cigarettes, which is the same as alcohol, I don’t smoke often, once in 10 days, but it dries me out and doesn’t produce anything good.

I want to start being kind to my body again and don’t do ANY harm to it. I want to nourish it, pamper it and give it love and nothing else. Stay vegan, eat nutritious oily foods to ground myself, do daily massage with oils, cover myself into blankets and read books, have long hot baths with essential oils, drink teas with honey and get creative. Write diary, draw, crochet, cook and bake, create recipes, play piano…That’s it ❤

Orange tea with cinnamon and ginger

So todays food intake:

  • didn’t sleep much after yesterday’s work and then bar (terrible, terrible, I will never let other people to push me to go somewhere where I don’t want to go)
  • morning walk with my friend, 1l warm water, 3 ripe bananas
  • at home laying in my bed, big bowl of warm oats cooked in lots of water + cinnamon, ginger, star anise, cacao, rice syrup and 1 tsp flax meal, 2 of my ayurvedic pills
  • ayurvedic Shatapushpi tea with honey, laying in my bed with a book
  • couscous with half an avocado, little bit of red beans, paprika and curry before going to café with my friend(fruit tea with slice of orange, 1 cigarette) + 2 pills
  • 4 home-made whole grain pitas with raspberry jam (sweet cravings, extreme exhaustion and low energy…)
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Lately I have been struggling with my body imbalances again. My only health problems are these – indigestion, acne-prone skin and MENSTRUATION IRREGULARITY. I suffered from amenorrhea for 3 years after my anorexia period and during my first vegan attempts. Then I healed myself. Now it is back again and now I am finally starting to understand it.

My body constitution from ayurveda is Pitta-Kapha. But my body and also mind imbalance is VATA. And that is very much what is AMENORRHEA caused by.

I was googling through many articles about it, so I will write some of the facts here, I hope it will help someone as well. Amenorrhea (or at least in my case, I think!) is caused by low pitta dosha and too much vata. (My basic body constitution is pitta but my lifestyle and diet is very much the opposite and I suffer from cold feet/hands, thin nails…etc).

vata image

Causes of too much vata (and blocks of menstrual channels) can be: the ones in Italics are mine

  • stress, anger, tension, travelling, emotional duress, changing of school/job
  • increase of cold temperament od body
  • excessive lethargy, sedentary lifestyle
  • vata promoting diet

Vata increasing diet: (Basically all I eat… dry grains, no oils, cruciferous vegetables, flour, yeast, dried fruit, corn, peas…)

  • cold, light, dry, airy foods (basically low-fat vegan lifestyle,lol)
  • gas forming vegetables (cabbage, broccoli, beans, lettuce, peas, cauliflower…) – I have been eating them lately a lot
  • yeast-based products – also a thing which I eat few times a week when heaving some store bough whole grain breadrolls
  • white flour, white sugar – yes yes, white sugar in teas in tearoom where I work

Some other interesting factors which can cause amenorrhea:

  • excessive exercise
  • artificial subjects for orgasm (that’s interesting one!)
  • no exercise
  • cold temperature

And here is the list of the things, which I resonate with and I believe can be helpful:

  • warm, moist meals – veggie, miso soups, stews, grains cooked with lots of water, herbal teas
  • drinking warm and hot water during the day
  • nutritious but easily digested foods
  • taking flax-seeds (or psyllium) for better digestion and fatty acids
  • ayurvedic herbal supplements – Triphala, Shatavari
  • hot and spicy foods, cooked in oil (vegetable oil or ghee – I will stay vegan, so just vegetable ones)
  • SPICES (very important one) : black pepper, cinnamon, coriander, cardamom, fennel, ginger, cumin, clove, celery and mustard seed, garlic
  • avoid eating old, cold and dry foods!!!! (that means foods from yesterday, too much bread, dried fruits…)
  • avoid using dry cooking methods – not enough water, sauteeing, baking, grilling (yes yes, my “dry” frying and sauteeing all the time, no soups, no oils)
  • don’t skip breakfast (have been doing this and then I always had heavy dinner, which is absolute opposite of what is good for my digestion)
  • not so much raw fruits, veggies, salads

So basically, to balance VATA:

  • eat warm foods, with added fat (coconut, sesame oil)
  • warm soups, stews, freshly baked bread
  • have heavier breakfast – something warm, milky and sweet (cooked oatmeal with almond milk and rice syrup and cinnamon for example)
  • sweet fruits – bananas, peaches, figs, mangos, persimmons, soaked raisins, melons
  • avocados
  • nut butters
  • cold-pressed, fresh sesame oil
  • root vegetables – beets, carrots, yams, potatoes; pumpkins, celery, turnips, mushrooms, squash, garlic, onion
  • beans in moderation (well soaked and cooked) – chickpeas, pink lentils
  • molasses, brown rice syrup
  • spices mentioned before 🙂 + basil, caraway, anise, thyme, allspice, nutmeg, horseradish
  • hot herbal teas, warm flax or rice milk
  • soaked and well cooked grains – basmati rice, brown rice, oats, wheats, couscous

food-holding-bowl-of-soup-crop

Just to mention- I am not a proffesional and this is just what I found on the Internet because I want to make changes and be happy. Menstruation is a very important thing for me, if it would mean to stop being vegan I will do it. You can judge me, but it is my health and my decisions. Anyways no need to do that, I am staying vegan, love animals and don’t want to promote animal cruelty. I believe that this can be solved with just some changes of fat intake, cooking methods, supplementing(ayurvedic tea, pills and evening primrose oil + psyllium), adding more spices and also include – OILY massages of my body, drinking tons of fluids, exercising yoga for fertivility improvement.

I will write about my healing journey soon and how has my diet and health changed. I miss that feminine part of me – menstrual flow, releasing, relaxing… ❤ I hope this gift will get back to me very very soon.

full moon meditate

I’ve decided to start doing some more progress with my body.  Most of the time I love it, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do anything about it. I am eating healthily, exercising, but the weight is remaining the same and the BMI scares me a little, I should drop few kilos to feel lighter and not be ashamed of my weight.

From now on:

  • I will do an update post with photos every month (this is the first one!)
  • continue eating Starch solution, but reduce my salt and overtfat intake a little (that means not that much bread and whole grain vegan cookies 😦 )
  • exercising 6 times a week – my lovely interval yoga, swimming, dance but also including a good sweaty cardio –> running at least once a week to make my lymph moving
  • get a massage from time to time, helps releasing toxins
  • do dry skin brushing at the weekends
  • listen to Binaural beats which help with metabolism, weight loss, detoxyfication
  • write a food log into my diary (no calories included)
  • start drinking herbal teas again, I have tons of herbs at home and don’t use them very often, not even in my baths 😦
  • weight myself once a month (doing it more often is turning me down)

My goals are:

  • dropping about 6 kgs (giving it as much time as it needs of course 🙂
  • toning my belly and but
  • getting thinner thighs

So here are the photos, sorry if it offends you, then not visit my blog! I included two of them always, not flexing while inhaling and trying to be skinnier with exhaling (everyone takes photos in that position..I guess it looks better, haha!)

belly november belly november2 belly november3

I come from the past of a very sad and problematic teenage/childhood. It started at my high school (actually grammar school, from the age of 11/12 I think). I was bullied, lost my only friend in the class and was left alone with my problems without anyone to support me (I didn’t have a good relationship with my family at that time). I didn’t speak with my parents or sister a lot and was going out with a group of “friends”, we were smoking, drinking and hanging around the whole days. I stopped going there as well after some time (I had problems with my own person and couldn’t hold any friendships -even false ones- for a long time). I had only one friend (very unhealthy friendship for both of us, I was addicted to her presence and drowing energy from her and she was extremely submissive ) and no one else and situation in my class was getting worse and worse. I always had good marks because I am naturally clever (:D or at least they say it!) so that was not a problem. The problem was my relationship with classmates, they hated me, ignored me, didn’t want to cooperate with me and were telling mean and vulgar things to me. That’s how my eating disorder started.

Before that I always had a very good relationship with food. I was thin and healthy. I ate everything (but always very little meat because I didn’t like the taste, preparation and was sorry for animals), wasn’t bloated, ate just when I was hungry, never felt guilty and I didn’t think about food or loosing weight at all, I ate chocolate, cheese, doughnuts, fruit, whatever I wanted but I could control the food, it was not controling me at all. Food was just something you needed to survive, it tasted good but it wasn‘t  a solution of your problems. That mindset has changed. Someone at school told me that I was fat.

I started thinking about that, worrying. I was googling on the Internet for weight loss blogs and healthy diet articles, which were all connected with making your portions smaller, restricting, counting calories, fasting or exercising heavily. I started doing some weight loss program (just mentioning again, I was slim, had healthy weight, healthy period and beautiful strong hair), exercising in the evening, weighting my food and myself, drinking cleansing teas and writing food diary.I did about 2 or 3 one-day waterfasts. I became vegan because of weight loss, but also watched lots of documentaries with animals being killed which made me even sadder and more depressed. Sometimes I couldn’t control myself and overate after days of starving on rice cakes with carrots. I never made myself vomit but thought about that a lot.

I lost more than 13kgs in few months and weighted 59kg, I am about 182 cm and my BMI was below 18.4 which made me very happy at that time. I was extremely skinny, this BMI maybe doesn’t sound that bad, but I looked terrible. I lost my period, my hair was falling like crazy, my nails got thin and were breaking and I had no energy. People were noticing my weightloss and from the beginning some of them said I look good, but later on they were worried. Even some classmates (who werent bullying) were worried. I thought that skinny body would bring me love and popularity. It didn’t, most of the classmates didn’t notice or they were laughing and bullying even harder because I was so weak and hysterical with my vegan diet consisting of rice cakes, salads and some fruit.

The breakthrough started when my parents took me to the nutrition adviser (big jerk who should be kicked out of his job, but somehow it made me start fighting with my illness!). He told me that my vegan diet was very unhealthy, I was underweight and I had a mental anorexia. He told it in a very aggressive and mean way, but it was the only type of people I was attracting at that time when I think about it. I got home, in tears and didn’t want to speak with my parents anymore. I started googling about mental anorexia when I stopped crying.

Before that I didn’t even think about having some eating disorder. I was so disconnected with myself. I found out that I probably have a problem with my eating but it is not THAT bad. Luckily I wasn’t dying from starvation, I could function quite normally and I was eating 3 times a day, at least  small portions.  I decided that I don’t wanna suffer from an eating disorder, I decided that I am not going to have mental anorexia and I didn’t want to look like that skeletal girls on the Internet. I just decided and that was it.

From then I changed somehow. It was a very slow process but I finally started fighting. I stayed vegan but I was looking for some type of sustainable and healthy veganism. I started looking for spiritual books and ways to improve my personal life. I read books from Louis Hay, Doreen Virtue, Eckhart Tolle, watched Owen Fox on youtube. I found out about Freelee and started 80/10/10 diet.  I increased amounts of foods I consumed, was affirming and praying every day, stopped using make up and cosmetics, started doing yoga. I was still dogmatic about food, ate just fruit, vegetables and gluten free grains but at least I was eating a lot, I was gaining weight and my cells were renewing.

My life started to change, I lost that friend whose friendship was actually drawning my energy as well and started building new friendships. I gained lots of weight but remained very dogmatic about food as most of the 80/10/10 and raw vegan people are 😉 My situation at school was getting better because my self love was starting to exist. Parents were happy that I was eating enough so they werent saying nothing about that crazy banana diet. I found new friends and after some time I stopped with 80/10/10, travelled a little and later on I became just vegetarian. I ate high fat diet, lots of butter, cheese, dairy and I got my first normal healthy period after about 3-4 years of chronical amenorrhea.

And now I am here, vegan again, but because I want and my body wants as well. I crave vegan foods, grains, starches, fruit, vegetables, oatmeal, rice milk, pancakes with maple syrup. If I felt like having some goat milk or eggs or chocolate or even meat, I would eat it. I am not gonna lie, my eating is still not perfect. I am still healing.

But – I am not afraid of food anymore and I wanna live. After almost 5 years of ED I feel healthy. Sometimes I tend to overeat and try to solve my problems with filling my belly instead of solving them. Sometimes I get very bloated, uncomfortable and have digestion problems, sometimes when I am sad I eat chocolate or cookies. But this happens and it is just a process.

I have a little weight to loose now but it is not the most important thing in my life. I am focusing on building self love and self confidence, high quality friendships and relationships, travelling, experiencing and discovering. I am normal 19 year old girl living her life with smile on her face.

 

*sadly I don’t have any photos to show you how I looked during my ana, because I deleted all of them or they were lost when my old notebook got flooded during the storm (oops) and when I broke my old phone!

IMG_9229

hot chocolate in Beograd

I completely forgot about this blog. I created a new one and it just isn’t what I truly want my blog to look like. And here I am, this blog is just perfect, it’s old but I still love it and resonate with its design and I think it would be useful to continue with it.

So here I am, dedicated to writing again and I will be posting diary and recipe posts regularly. Just to mention, I am vegan again after about a year period of being vegetarian and few meat eating times. I just needed it. My body needed. I was craving fats, meat and eggs. Before that I had lots of problems with my period and hormonal balance. And it seems that the high fat diet consisting of LOOTS of organic and sometimes raw full fat dairy, eggs, coconut oil, butter, fish, vegetables, oats, legumes and fruit made it. I ate chicken ones and tried pork. I wanted to and I’m not sorry about that.

my eating habits in Romania

Anyways I got my normal healthy period after about 3-4 years of struggling with amenorrhea after my week in Romania at the end of December, where I was eating extremely unhealthy, loots of chocolate and had meat stew, I let my mind loosen, forgot about nutritrion teachings and let myself eat whatever I wanted and how much I wanted. And I wanted lots of food, sweets, high fat foods, meaty soups and yoghurts and nuts… I got my period week after and since than I had regular menstrual flow every month without pain and my hair started growing and is much healthier now. That’s it (I was eating healthy again when I came home from Romania, but still lots of dairy, cheese, eggs). During May I started eating mostly vegan again, my body felt renewed and ready for a vegan diet. During my travels veganism wasn’t possible (hitch hiking with a little money around Europe), but I stayed healthy vegetarian.

Now when I have enough time for food preparing and it’s cold outside so I am indoors a lot I am finally eating how I feel the best. High carb vegan foods, which warm me up and my digestion is much better. I love starch solution and I feel better than on raw foods, 80/10/10 and raw till 4. These diets made me overeat, gain weight and I never felt satisfied or full. I was consuming huge amounts of fruit, sometimes even 5-6000 calories, spent lots of money, was bloated all the time, didn’t have period and was addicted and dogmatic. That’s why I became vegetarian and high fat in the first place. Now I now that there is a better solution which is Starch solution:) I love rice, pasta, bread, dumplings, beans and oatmeal. Especially during autumn/winter I need to warm myself up and not drink cold fruit smoothies with exotic bananas and added sugar because it’s not sweet enough.

Stop rambling about food.

being with myself

I am studying university now but I still feel like being at the high school?! I just had bigger expectations or something… Studying is good and interesting but the student life is missing. I live with my parents, don’t have a part-time job and boyfriend. But when I think about it, it’s okay. After my last break up I needed time to heal and living at home brings lots of advantages. Stillness, solitude, intimacy, enough room for daily exercise and yoga, big bathroom, parents pay for food and I have everything I need here. I can go to parties and out with friends more if I need to and lately I have been outside a lot, so I don’t know why am I complaining???

I will write a list of things I am truly grateful for.

And I will write my goals for the near future.

But not in this post, it would be too long 🙂

IMG_0064

autumn sunshine at the garden

I spent this weekend in the country, no Internet, using phone or watching television (I don’t do that anyway, but worths mentioning), cleared my mind, connected with nature, slept a lot, looked into the fire, cooked delicious dumplings on the stove, went for a walk with our dog and I was…happy. I was happy being just with myself. It was different than being at home, looking at Facebook and Youtube. I always feel anxious spending lots of time like that. But being in the country, going out to bring wood, put it into the fire, listen to music, drink litres of tea with honey…it was like pampering myself and I felt so much self-love surrounding me.

I just love it. I am gonna do this more often.

In the past I suffered from bad acne but I “healed” it with some medication from my dermatologist. Then I had an amazing complexion, maybe a pimple or two from time to time but it was just perfect. I was using lots of makeup(even tho I didn’t need it) because I was in my part of my life, where I wanted to become a make-up artist.

Then there were a times when I started eating 80/10/10 diet. Mostly raw fruit, dried fruit and some steamed potatoes with veggies.(but tons of it, about 3-4000 calories a day) Almost no fats. No salt, no animal products, nothing. I stopped using makeup completely, then even cosmetic products so I was rinsing my skin with water and didn’t even use an oil on it. I started breaking out as I was detoxing and this lasted kinda long, but I had a time of my life where I wasn’t caring about my appearance much(at least I was pretending I wasn’t). It lasted for half a year or so, wow, I am so brave. Now I know that all that sugar, lots of dates, tomatoes and no fat don’t make my skin very well. And it’s very much about my PSYCHIC state. Skin is your barrier, isolating you from other people. When it starts breaking out it always means some kind of block with other people, men or women, not enough self-love and disconnection with your inner-child or how you call it.

My skin cleared after those 6 months or so, but still it wasn’t smooth and I was always puffy and kinda bloated. I gained lots of weight on 801010 and I didn’t have the greatest social life as I wasn’t able to go out and have a dinner with other people, I was going to bed at 8 o’clock in the evening, didn’t drink any alcohol, tea or coffee and especially I wasn’t sure about myself, I probably needed that time for inner-reflexion, healing etc. It was just as it should have been.

And after some time I finally came to conclusion to stop doing things dogmatically. I started eating what I truly wanted and stopped overeating on carbohydrates. I stopped being so puffy and bloated all the time and my skin started clearing up. Also thanks to essential oils. I added much more fats into my diet as well, raw milk, eggs, butter and cheese and stopped eating potatoes, so much grains etc. And my skin is? BEAUTIFUL. I know it isn’t the diet, it’s my mental state. I am more opened, free and honest with myself. I am not denying my “bad” feelings and don’t pretend permanent happiness and inner balance. I am just human, I am not perfect.

But why I started to write this article. Lately my skin hasn’t been the best and it’s been kinda annoying. So I explored little steps how to heal it, and it works always.

  • do 1 day of fasting on water, rice, juice or smoothie whatever you prefer and if your skin clears up, it’s obvious that your acne is mainly caused by something in your diet(but keep in mind, that the first is always a mental “problem”)
  • you may try to avoid some foods which aren’t making you feel very well after eating them, in my case these were tomatoes and gluten(especially bread)
  • writing diary
  • using just coconut oil on your skin as makeup remover, moisturizer or whatever
  • lavender essential oil once daily
  • white clay mask few times a week
  • and the most important – being honest with yourself? what is your skin trying to “tell” you? I discovered it through muscle-testing with my friend, it was kinda exhausting process to get through my mental wards but finally I knew, it was my disconnection with my inner child(+ also a disability to set borders with other people, in this case it was surprisingly with women,haha i was blaming men all the time and it was the other side), my inner child was alone in the dark and “outside” I was hugging many people, letting them to touch me but I wasn’t in touch with myself…
  • I did a visualisation holding my inner child, very healing
  • lots of sleep
  • and next day almost all the pimples disappeared!

And now I am so grateful that my skin is always showing me that there is a problem somewhere. So be grateful for your acne, pimples or whatever. It’s a sign that something is happening and your body wants you to start solving it.